FROM HEAD TO HEART

"The nurturance of life ... is the action of identifying the highest motive in all energy forms and supporting the flow of this energy towards its ultimate expression." –Wingmakers

When you find yourself experiencing resistance to change or you discover a limiting belief that is stopping you from making the changes you want in your life, finding out the positive intention or purpose behind the resistance or belief can go a long way toward changing it.

The principle of positive intention is derived from the deeper assumption that everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have available to them at the time.

Therefore, it is helpful when dealing with resistance in yourself or objectionable behaviour in another, to begin by acknowledging the positive intent behind it.  It is especially important when dealing with another person, to separate a person's identity and positive intention from their behaviour, and to respond to the behaviour as a separate issue.

For instance, you can acknowledge another person's point of view without having to agree with that person.  Saying, "I understand that you have this perspective", is different from saying, "I agree with you".  In saying, "I appreciate your concern" or "that is an important question", you are acknowledging the person or their intention without implying that their perspective is the correct or only one.

In summary, when dealing with resistance in yourself or unacceptable behaviour in another, it is important and useful to:

1.  Assume that all behaviour (including resistance and limiting beliefs) is positively intended.

2.  Separate the negative aspects of the behaviour from the positive intention behind it.

3.  Identify and respond to the positive intention of the part of you or the person with the objectionable behaviour.

4.  Identify and suggest other choices of behaviour to achieve the same positive intention.

What follows is an NLP technique referred to as the Six Step Re-frame to help you address resistance in yourself.

Steps to Follow:

1.  Identify the pattern to be changed.

Identify the behaviour, symptom, objection, belief or resistance you want to change.

Example:  I want to stop being shy.

2.  Establish communication with the part of yourself that is responsible for the behaviour.

(a)  Go inside of yourself and ask the part of you that creates this behaviour (eg. being shy) to "Please give me a signal if you are willing to communicate with me".  Pay attention to any internal words, images or feelings that might be a signal from that part of yourself.

(b)  If you do not get a clear signal, ask the part to "Please exaggerate the signal or the symptom itself, if your answer is 'yes'".

(c)  If the part is not willing to communicate, ask "What is your positive purpose in not wanting to communicate with me?" 

3.  Separate the positive intention of the part from the problematic behaviour.

(a)  Go inside and thank the part for communicating with you and ask, "What’s the positive intention of what you are trying to do for me with this  (shyness) behaviour?"

Example Response: "I don't want you to embarrass yourself."

(b)  If the intention of the part seems negative, keep asking "And what will that do positively for me?"

Example Question:  "What are you trying to accomplish for me that's positive by keeping me from embarrassing myself with others? What do you want instead?"
Example Response:  "To get close to people."

4.  Find three other choices that satisfy the positive intention of the part but do not have the negative consequences of the problematic behaviour.

Ask the "creative" part of yourself to generate at least three other ways to satisfy the positive intention (to get close to people) of the unwanted behaviour (shyness to prevent embarrassment).

Example First Alternative:  run a little movie in my head of approaching people and doing something with the confidence of someone I admire rather than just imagining people frowning at me.  Second Alternative: hear a coaching voice in my head encouraging me to introduce myself and say something.  Third Alternative:  laugh at myself, inside, as a reminder to stop taking myself so seriously; its okay to make mistakes.

5.  Have the part that creates the problematic behaviour agree to implement the new choices.

(a)  Go inside and ask the part responsible for the problematic behaviour (shyness), "Signal me if you accept the alternative choices for (getting close to people)."

(b)  If any choices are not acceptable, or there is no signal, go to step 4 and modify or add choices.

6.  Find out if any other parts object to the new choices.

(a)  Go inside and ask, "Do any other parts object to these new choices?"

(b)  If yes, identify the part and go to step 2, repeating the cycle with that part.

References:
Heart of the Mind by Connirae Andreas and
Steve Andreas, Real People Press
The Principle of 'Positive Intention' by Robert Dilts

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